How would an Apple Car look like, from what we have today

So just today we all got the “surprising” news, that Apple is really interested in autonomous cars. We all knew it for months, but hey, let’s play along for a second. Further more, after the groundbreaking innovations we’ve just witnessed with the new iPhone and MacBook. Yes, leaving out the function bar, replacing it with an ARM based iWatch, that’s what’s really been missing from MacBooks. It’s not easy to switch batteries, nor the fact that your RAM is soldered into the fuckers. Nope, you really really needed a fucking iWatch in your MBP. Not to forget the smart move of replacing the iPhones Audio Jack, so you need even more fucking adapters and cables! Genius!

So let’s assume for a second, Apple was to build a car

#1 Charging

In order to drive an all electric autonomous vehicle, you need to charge it somehow:
So my Apple-dream-car would optimally not work with any other charging cable out there. I really would require it to have a new plug design. Maybe something that can wire Audio/Video into my Garage-Door, for no good reason yet. (they’ll think of something for iGarage 2.0 - but keep reading)

#2 Seatbelts

Well either Apple is gonna strangle every country with some fancy law-firm, so seatbelts will be obsolete in the future, ooor, i think, you’re just going to have to buy seatbelts made for your body-size.
Because Apple is likely bold enough to remove built-in seat-belts, and have you choose between XS, S, M, L, XL, XXL seatbelts in the Apple Store.

#3 Babyseats

Of course Apple-Cars only fit Apple-certified Babyseats! Also you need special Apple tools (screwdrivers, etc) to install your Babyseat. Or you just drive by one of the Apple-Stores, make an appointment with a Genius, and he’ll do it for you!

#4 Wheels

It would not be an Apple car, if they didn’t redesign the tires! A true apple car doesn’t have round rubber tires! No, ideally it has like Tires (an essential part) made out of little refurbished MacBook Pros. No rubber, all Aluminum! Brakes are applied through signals on an i2c bus!

#5 Garage

Also, since your Apple Car was so boldly redesigned, that it has the shape of a triangle, you’ll need the special iGarage from Apple. It doesn’t come with any cables required to operate it, but once you’ve spent the extra 10kUSD on the cables and motors to open the Garage, then you’ll be set to go. Be sure to only buy Apple certified Garage-Motors!

Deathtrap or Moneysuck?

Well depends, if you have enough money to get your car running for the first time, then you’ll still have to spend a few thousand USD to make it street legal. Like it would need lights, but you didn’t get those, because the iCar 1.0 was so boldly redesigned, they even left off the roof! It rarely rains in California, you know?

On the other hand, since Apple’s QA seems to have died with Steve Jobs, i wouldn’t count on them having tested anything. You’ll likely one morning step into your car to find it dead, because some OTA Software Update bricked it.

Final thoughts

Yeah, better get a Tesla.